Ask Johnny D

ASK JOHNNY D

Advice from someone who has no right giving any…

Dear Johnny D,

Longtime reader, first time writer. A few weeks back, my cat, Tiger, “ran away”. My lady and I would fight about him- she thinks he’s too big to be out of the cage, and stuff like that. I have a feeling that she’s behind his “disappearance”. Here’s the situation. I went for a spa weekend with Bruce. He’s got a retreat in The Catskills that we visit at least three times a year. We were featured on an episode of “Real Sex” last year. When I got back, Tiger “went missing”. Upon examination, this seemed to be the case. But, like they say in France, “If it smells like fish, it ain’t chicken.” On further investigation, I found a receipt from the local zoo in my lady’s purse. It said they gave her $1356.78 for a “Mountain Cat”. Tiger’s an Ocelot, not a mountain cat. Do you think she sold my ‘Tiger”? If so, what should I do? If no, how can you help me?

Desperately,

Forlorn Feline Fancier

Dear FFF,

Not long ago I had a similar situation. My cat, “Ignazio”, was taken from me. He had “attacked” some “people” on the beach when I took him for his morning walk. I tried to keep him, but the cops were like, “nah, Son.” I was arrested, too- warrants and stuff, you know how it is. Any old way, they put him to sleep, and boy was I steamed. Revenge on my mind, I got a bottle of Beam, and one of those fancy air rifles that shoot paintballs. I found everyone who pressed charges and I shot the fucking shit out of them. You should’ve seen the look on their faces at the pellets shattered against their fragile skin. Fan-fucking-tastic.

Getting back to your problem. It doesn’t sound like your lady had anything to do with it. She probably had a mountain cat of her own that she sold. An Ocelot is unique. You can’t generalize a cat like that. My advice to you is to get another cat that looks like Tiger, name it Tiger, then go about your business like nothing ever happened.

Your Friend,

Johnny D.